I don’t know what to talk about, i want to talk about everything that is going on but i don’t know how exactly to put it. I do know that i need to get out of this town, the ghost of this town are starting to haunt me more and more and its starting to affect me, little by little, so i know i must leave, its time to leave…but how, I’m a high school grad, who went to a non-accredited ministry school for three months instead of college, what job am i going to get? is walmart going to be my life job? i can’t settle for that, why? well cause it scares the hell out of me, i always thought of doing something great with my life, to actually be somebody but more and more it seems like I’m turning into nothing. i don’t know where I’m going to go, how I’m going to afford it or if there is even anything more to this life then this town. i need to find a new home. I really do, i need to find a home outside of this town, for i know if i stay in this town then it will be the death of me. I don’t want to be here anymore, so its time for me to leave, the thing is, this town won’t let me leave. 

 The smell of my old cologne reminds me of eighth grade, having my parents drive me to the movies to go on a date, putting to much of this cologne on and having my nostrils be infused with the smell of it for the whole night, i miss those days, it was easier back then. I would like to think that I’m over all my past relationships but they haunt me like the ghosts of past wars, still here, never to leave. I want to be over it but it only takes one thing.   So, my most recent ex has a new boyfriend and it is like there is a knife in my chest, i can’t take it out but i so desperately want it out, i want to be able to breathe, i want to be able to hold back the tears that are sure to come, i want to be able to sleep tonight without the hour of pure thought of her, the thoughts of everything we once had, of everything i once had. Oh what a dream that would be! to be able to get over everything that i actually wanted to get over with, but this is the life i live, my past will haunt me and there is not much i can actually do about it but what i can do is put my smile back on my face and let the world go by, now do not take that sentence wrong, do not hide the feelings inside but instead be happy for everything else in life, be happy for life, put that smile on. This life we be a endeavor in every way, no matter what we do, we will have to put up with this life, for a easy life is the life of the dead and i am alive. 

There was once a boy who loved a girl, more than anything else in the world. He had loved her his whole life and didn’t even know it, he would do anything for this girl cause he wanted everything for this girl. There was once a girl who loved a boy, more than anything else in the world. She had loved him all her life and didn’t even know it, she would do anything for this boy cause she wanted everything of this boy. This boy and this girl didn’t know each other, they had never seen each other but they loved each other, their hearts were made for each other but they didn’t even know it. They were made for each other, no other relationship would work for it was never with the one they were made for. Their hearts yearned for each other, they needed each other to survive and everyday without each other was another day spent closer to death. As the world spun round and round they would walk closer and closer to each other but they didn’t even know it. Once that boy went on a train ride, he didn’t have a plan but he knew that he was suppose to go on that train, he rode that train until it hit its final stop. He got off that train and walked into the city, he didn’t know where he was or what he was doing but he couldn’t stop walking, he body was not in his control but it didn’t seem to scare him, he knew that he was going somewhere that he was meant to be, his whole body was telling him that. He finally stopped walking in front of the cities hospital, he walked in and told the nurse that he was suppose to visit someone, the nurse asked him what room, before he could even stop and think about it his mouth spoke for him and said two twenty seven, the nurse gave him a sad look and said you’re just in time, go down that hall and its the last room on the left. He walked down that hall and his heart started to grow heaver and heaver, he started to fill strange, a feeling he had never experienced before. He arrived at the room and looked inside, their was a girl laying in the bed, she looked exhausted and weak, as if a sickness had rattled her body to near death. He walked in and looked at the girl, she opened her eyes and looked back at him. He told the girl he didn’t know why he was their but he felt like he was suppose to be there, the girl smiled, she said to the boy ” i was wondering when you were going to get here” the boy looked back at her with confusion and asked “Do i know you? i feel like i do but i don’t know how.” The girl laughed quietly and coughed a bit then looked back at the boy and said ” I was having the most amazing dream before you got here, in the dream i had fallen in love with this boy and we grew up together, we loved each other with everything we had, we had the most beautiful wedding, we had the most amazing family and life, it was the most amazing dream i had ever had.” The boy looked at her and said ” That sounds like a very good dream ” The girl said back to him ” I am happy i got to spend that life with you, you were the most amazing husband and dad, thats why i was waiting for you to get here, i knew you were going to be here, thank you so much for making me the happiest girl on this earth” and with that the girl closed her eyes, here breathing slowly came to a stop and the boy was left alone in the room. He didn’t know what to think, or what to say, or even what to do but then he heard a voice come from the air and it told him this ” In life, we all have someone there for us, there is someone made for every person and we shall meet them before our dying day, we will never forget them and they will never forget you.” 

I been thinking of life lately. Thinking of how i am going to spend it, who i am going to spend it with, is it going to be a good life or is it going to be a bad one? It scares me, I’m scared of the thought of 3 years in the future, where I’m going to be. Money, now that scares me more than anything. I have no clue what I’m going to do for my life, am i going to be working at a mcdonalds or am i going to be something great, someone great? I want more than anything to just be noticed, to be someone, someone that people know of, i honestly want that more than anything, maybe for the insecurities in me is the reason i want that, maybe I’m trying to prove the child in me that everything that happened back then, all the things that made my insecurities come to life, all of the things that made me who i am are not in vain. I desperately hope that they are not. 

    Now i know that God has a plan for me, that everything has been planned out but even that scares me, for what if what God wants for me isn’t what i want for myself? What if when the day come and i meet God i am disappointed with what my life was cause i had all of these hopes and dreams that never came true but then again, maybe i won’t even care when i see Him. Life is to complicated for me. I want it to be over honestly, it seems like it would be easier to not be alive then to be alive, now with that said let me say this, i am not suicidal, i do not want to kill myself, it is just a thought of mine probably due to stress. But its a reasonable thought isn’t it? I mean, with all of this stress over what i am going to become, what my life is going to become, it is easier to not deal with it then to deal with it. Maybe that is why I’m not dealing with it. 

    Now i do have many hopes and dreams for my life, i want to be famous (like everyone else in the world) but i want more than to just be famous, i think deep down i just want to be noticed, noticed for the skills i have and the things i can do and have done. I think that is why i was a pathological liar in middle and high school, i constantly wanted to be noticed. In high school everyone thought i was super rich, that i had 2 different houses, that i lived by myself and that my parents were loaded. Now in my defense, i didn’t start that lie, a kid i did a project with did, he saw some pictures from a vacation i took and thought that the place we stayed at was a summer house and all that stuff, he told the kids who sat at my lunch table all of that and that is how it got started, in the 7th grade.  That lie stuck with me all through school and i still believe kids to this day believe it, i never correct anyone of it, it gave me attention from people, i loved it. All lies come to light sooner or later, in my case it was my junior year of high school. It ruined my high school memories, it cost me all my friends and everything i had. I have never recovered from it, the memories of all of that still haunt me to this day. 

   This post is seeming more and more like a essay about my life, i didn’t not intend on this post to be this long or to talk about all of this stuff, i just seem to not be able to stop writing but that is a good thing. I have been having trouble finding things to write about, i kinda stop hearing God when i am writing (check my older post to see what i am talking about) and i don’t know why i have stopped hearing Him, i just have. I can’t seem to find anything to write about, it just comes to a blank, so in order to write now i have to listen to sad music or what a sad movie to get me in a state of being that i can write something remotely good, i end up deleting them though. So it is good that I’m writing all of this now. Ill try to continue doing this, i will also try to shorten them. Thank you and good night.  - Sam. 

levithepoet:

This is the first of what I hope will be weekly tour updates from my end - with Brandi - about how we are doing, how the tour is doing, and how the people who come to the tour are doing. It has been a joy to have been invited into the story that Jesus is writing via XXXChurch, and to be a conduit for inviting others into His story, as well.

Hope to see you out on this tour. Please pray for my wife, Brandi, and I. I’m pretty under the weather right now, and can’t seem to kick it. Praying I’ll be up to par for the multiple upcoming festival performances this weekend.

Love you and thank you. 

I am very thankful that Levi quoted me in the beginning of this tour update, I urge all of you to follow this mans blog and support the amazing ministry he is doing! 

The Ghost.

There once was a ghost, who roamed the halls of empty house, never to be seen nor heard, she would run through the halls, laughing and jumping all the way down the halls, waiting for the day that she could be seen and heard. This ghost was not like any other ghost, she did not want to scare anyone, she did not want to cause anyone any harm, she just wanted to be heard so that she could say her final words. One day a family moved into that empty house, they finally found there home. They felt safe there. This family had only one son, he was just a child, he ran up and down the halls of his new home and screamed with joy to finally have a place to sleep and be happy, his heart was full of joy. The ghost saw this family; day after day she would try to talk to them, trying with all her might to be heard, to be seen. A year went by and still the ghost tried every day to be heard; yet the family did not notice her. One day, the little boy fell in the hall, he hit his head on the wood floor, that little boy would fall into a deep sleep. Tears would fall from the mother every day after that, crying for her little boy, wanting him to just wake up, wanting to just hear him one more time, to hear those screams of joy in the halls as he would run and play. The ghost saw the tears that feel, she did not know what to do, she wanted to tell the mother that the little boy loved her, that even the deep sleep would not take away the love that was felt for her. The ghost then walked the halls, until one day she saw the little boy, standing in the hall, the little boy was crying, she walked up to him and asked him what was wrong, he said “my mommy wont stop crying, I try to hug her and tell her that I’m right here but she does not see me, why does she not see me?” The ghost said back the boy “Your mom loves you very much, I had a mother who loved me as much as yours loves you but I was never able to tell her how much I loved her back, you will be able to tell your mother you love her again, so don’t be sad little boy, you are not meant for my world right now, this is just but a dream to you.” The ghost and the little boy walked hand in hand down the halls, they started to play, to run and jump and scream down the halls, the ghost was happy again. Days passed and the ghost knew that the time she had with the little boy was about to end, she turned to the little boy and told him “ You are going to be able to tell your mother you love her again very soon, you have made me very happy and I think my time in this world is also coming to a end.” She then whispered something into the little boys ear and then the little boy vanished, to return to his own body, to awaken from the deep sleep he was in. The family was whole again, the mother’s tears were not ones of sadness anymore but ones of joy, to have her little boy again. One day she took that little boy to the park that was down the street from their house, the little boy played with all the other neighborhood kids as the mother watched him with a very careful eye. The little boy then saw a older women sitting on a bench at the park, he walked up to her and tapped her on her knee, he said “Excuse me, I’m friends with your daughter, she wanted me to tell you that she loves you and that she is happy and that she wants you to be happy too.” The boy had done what the ghost whispered in his ear to do, to say her final words to her mother. 

i only seem to find happiness in my dreams now, in those moments that are on the edge of reality and pure fiction, with the relationships that have built in my subconscious, to have the lie i have made in my own head would make this life seem perfect, but that is just me letting the lies become real in my head. i wish for more now, for in my dreams i have more but outside my dreams i never have the more that i so desperately want. I wish i had someone to talk to but i never want to talk to someone, i am a walking contradiction. The truth is i hate talking about my problems when people care about me but when they do not care about me then i let my feelings pour out just so i can’t get them to care about me. Pathetic. I do not write these things for that reason though, in this blog i am free from the bindings of my own selfish mind. this is just freedom. one of the few places where i can write and not really have to deal with what people think of it. Maybe that is just my dream. I do only dream of love though, as the hopeless romantic inside me comes out. It seems to rule over my mind, the thought of having warmth from someone other than myself, to have a voice that is not mine be with me all the time, my dreams are the only place where i find happiness now. My hands feel empty. I feel as if they need to be clutching onto something, with no intent on letting go. I am sorry if i jump from topic to topic but i only talk as my dreams act. You start in one place and end up in another without remembering how you got there. I now walk into the darkness that is which i find my happiness, i wish you all the same happiness. Good Night and Good Luck. 

As my heart sits still, i can’t help but to think that it won’t ever beat again, it sits still saying to me that i have hurt it to much hand that it is done for now, that maybe in the future it will come back to life when i find a life strong enough to live for, i haven’t found that life yet though and as the days go on i start to worry about my heart, i miss it, i wish it would come back to life and beat anew for me, so that i might have life again in my breathe, and my words would not be empty, for what i have done to my heart, i have killed it and for that i can not be full of life again, if i could talk back to my heart i would tell it that i am sorry for all the pain and suffering that i have brought it, that if i could i would take back everything that i ever did to it but for now i have to sit here and wait for my heart to come back to me, to bring warmth back to a cold and broken body, to heal these scars that seem to cover my whole body, to take control for my mind is in control and all my mind wants is to keep my heart gone, without my heart i can’t seem to silence my mind, it is taking over, i need help, i need my heart.  for all i do on this earth is nothing but dry air if it does not have my heart in it, that my body is nothing but a cold dead thing with out my heart, to my heart i am sorry. 

I fear the unknown, i view it as a blackness that i can never shed any light on, i try t mask my fear but i can’t, it eats me, slowly, day by day, i just hope sometime i can get over it i can seem to muster the strength to confront my fears, so i ll just sit here, waiting while the world pass me by, waiting for something to happen even though I’m doing nothing to make anything happen, i wish i could just have someone come up to me and say ” Here! its 3500 dollars, i thought you might need this to get to where you’re are going, God bless!” but that will never happen, i still cry out at night to God wanting to see what he sees in my life, but i know i can not, not yet. but even that scares me, cause what if his plan is for me to be a homeless man or something that i do not want, is that selfish of me? sometimes i think this life is way to much for me to handle, even with the knowledge that God is with me, but that falls into my own personal doubts, as much as i proclaim that i am a christian, i never really am, i still feel that empty void. I want to fill that void but somehow i can never fill it with God, i don’t ever hear Him, i find that weird, because i hear other people hearing God, am i not good enough? or maybe i just have not become that close to God. Sometimes i feel like Christianty is based on how much you know, on how much you have put into it and how many bible verses you can quote, to me it feels like Levels, we all start on level 1 but some are already on level 25, how does that make all of use equal? sometimes i don’t believe. sometimes i doubt it all and lose all my faith, does that make me a bad christian? It bothers me that their are churches that still preach on hate like that, that if you ever have a doubt or lose your faith then you’re not a real christian and God hates you, just like in the argument of homosexuality, please, if we were to follow all the rules in leviticus then this world would be messed up, we would be stoning women and not cutting our hair and all this other stuff. I hate it that people will focus on one verse, play it to be what their church is built on, and ignore all others, not spread the love of God but the hate of God. They preach to their own god, not my God. so lets change subjects, i do think I’m depressed still, i was when i was younger and i don’t think i ever got over it, i have the lowest self esteem but yet i always try to make other people not have low self esteem, i will tell them the truth on how amazing they are but when people tell me that i never believe it, but i also never get told that, i am alone, i know this. i don’t have a group of friends, i only text one or two people, and i talk to almost no one, some how i seemed to lose all my friends in the course of high school, maybe that was all my fault though, i lied to get peoples attention, my lies caught up to me and still to this day haunt me. I honestly want to lose my past, it torments me every day, to the point of yelling to myself to stop think of it and praying to God to take those thoughts out of my head, i relieve every bad memory in my head a hundred times a day. but, that is my curse i guess. I fell like I’m complaining or trying to make people pity me, i do hope, if you’re reading this, that i am not doing that, i just want to get all of this stuff out of my head, and i don’t believe many people read my blog so i thought this be the best place, but if you are reading this far, congrats! ill give you a cookie if i ever see you. Now onto my last rant, love. I honestly want to find the love of my life, marry and have kids, i dream of love almost every night, but i have numb myself to it, i can’t remember what it feels like to actually like someone, or have a crush, its just numb and that scares me. it scares me to death.for when i find the love of my life, i am afraid i won’t actually love her, for i have numb myself to that feeling,i want to feel that again, like in elementary school, just to feel that one more time, i would give anything. but, this is my curse, i have to live with it, hopefully one day it will be lifted. to all that have read this in full, i thank you, you have witnessed a side of me that i rarely show, i am not one to talk about my problems, i bury them, so thank you for reading this, it means a lot to me, feel free to ask me questions about anything in this, to all a good day and to all a good night.  

i have a lot of things i want to write but somehow i can’t write anything at all. Writers block? maybe. Yet, i feel like it is a lot more then that. So to anyone who reads my blog, i am sorry, maybe someday soon i will find the ability to write again. 

Blackness

He stood on the edge of the cliff, looking out onto the world, he was happy. He thought to himself “Is this what heaven looks like?” He stood there watching the smoke disappear from his last cigarette, taste of it still fresh on his lips. He turned from this place and started back on the trail to his cabin, he spent his whole life saving the money just to get away from everything; he finally had his little spot of heaven. As he walked back the sun was setting to his back he was overtaken with the beauty of the forest he now calls home. He finally saw the lights from his house through the dense Forrest. As he slowly walked up the steps into his cabin he noticed that something was different in the air, almost as if a storm was coming, he brushed off this feeling and went inside. He went to his fridge and pulled out a beer and sat down in his chair and began to read, as the night grew darker and darker he finally decide that it was time to call it a night, he got up from his chair, leaving his empty bottle on the side table, he went around in his normal routine turning off all the lights and making sure his doors were locked. He crawled into his bed, his body tired from the day, enjoying the comfort that the bed was giving him he slowly drifted off to sleep. His dreams were vivid and terrifying, he woke with a startle and calmed himself down, saying, “It was only a bad dream, nothing is wrong.” As he started to drift back to sleep he noticed a black figure standing at the end of his bed, he sat up in his bed, frightened by this shadowed figure that was in his room, he started, to paralyzed with fear to say a word, he stared at this figure, with thoughts of terror running through his mind, after a minute had passed he ask this figure with a frantic voice “What are you doing here?” The figure was silent. He asked it again “ What are you doing in my house?”  This time with more authority in his voice, the figure seemed to grow, as if it was standing up. He became more terrified and began to fumble with his lamp trying to turn it on, the light wouldn’t turn on, and the only light in the room was from the moon shining in through his window. The figure spoke, with a voice that sounded like a thousand, it said, “We are here for you.” The man, said with terror, “We? I only see one of you” The figured replied, “We are legion, we are many, we have come for you.” The man looked at the figure, with wonder and fear he thought, “I must be dreaming still.” The figure then said in a more powerful voice, “this is no dream.” The man felt his heart drop into his stomach; the figure knew his thoughts. He said to figure “Why are you here for me? I have done no wrong to anyone, I live out here in peace, away from everyone and everything, I cause no harm to no one, so why come for me?” The figure said, “ You have betrayed all that you have loved, you have left all that was good to you, you forgot your heart for peaty dreams of simplicity, you ruined the life of others just for your own dreams.” The man said back to the figure, “I have done no such thing, I made it here by my own will and with my own earnings, I did what I had to get here but I did not ruin anyone’s life, I never hurt anyone, they all hurt me.” The figure laughed at this reply, it laughed with a voice that sounded like thousands, it said to the man “We are legion! We see everything, we know everything! You have made your life here on top of lies and pain, you threw away everything that has made you human in order to feel what you think is life; you threw away your soul for this. For that you have to pay the toll. We are here for you” The man had no reply, he could not think of anything to say to convince this figure that he had done nothing wrong. With a trembling voice he said, “I am a Christian! My God will protect me from you, I have given my life to him, for that I am safe and from that I know that all you say is a lie!” After saying this the whole room went pitch black, as if the figure has consumed all the light, and in the total blackness there was silence, the man thought that he had won. Then, in a voice that sounded in a roar, the blackness said, “We are legion! We cannot be defeated, we are here for you! You have abandoned God when you abandoned everything he had given you! With your lies and deceit you will die tonight and spend the rest of eternity with us! For you threw away your soul for simple delights of the flesh, of your own flesh, the life you have lived was not for your god but it was for us! For Legion!” The man felt empty, he thought “Is what they say true? I knew I did not live my life in perfection but I thought I could be forgiven for all of this, I thought I was fine.” The figure laughed again, and said “It is time, come.” The man felt his body get out of bed, he tried with all his might to stop his own body from moving but he couldn’t, he walked into the blackness. Then blackness left the room, the moonlight came back through the window and the cabin was empty, no soul was there, and empty it stayed, never to feel the warmth from anyone again. In the darkness it will stay. 

ever had that one thing you did just to feel better?,

whether it be running, music, sleeping, writing, smoking, driving, ectectect, 

ever been not able to do whatever that is? 

its like a disease then, not a cure,

you just want to stop everything and just go do that one thing,

but you can’t,

so what do you do now? 

you sit patiently,

wishing, waiting, wanting. 

so you continue to live,

to breathe,

to accept what is going on,

you tend to think like, “this is life, what can i do about this?” 

you put yourself in that state of mind in which you are trying so desperately to get out of,

you over analyze everything about yourself next,

you pick out everything that is wrong with you and focus only on that, 

you make yourself worse,

because you can’t get what will make you feel better,

you make yourself apathetic to the world. 

you become selfish to yourself. 

now is this, in all that it is, a wrong thing? 

not necessarily,

it is just a pattern of thoughts that are uninterrupted by anything that could possibly bring you out of that state of apathy. 

so what could be a solution? 

change. 

i have been in ministry school for the past 3 months, so i haven’t posted much on here, i better start! 

“some say, when the heart can bare no more pain, it starts to bleeds into the eyes and they help carry the burden but i think that its a sign, that she never left you, that even after death she is still with you” -From New Prime 5, a short film by Olan Rogers. 

Death is just darkness that has not seen light, it is just a veil that has not been lifted but with death comes light and with light comes truth. You are never alone for in the end you will be with the ones who have lost, they look after you and talk to God for you, they love you even more than you can imagine, they see what you are doing and they are proud. Live your life in remembrance to them, if i could only say what God has on my heart then i would show you all the beauty that comes with death and all the pain that is left. But pain is only short lived, it will come and it will go, you will remember your lost and you will cry, you’re heart will weep for the ones that have left but the ones who have left weep too, not for their death but for the pain that is left, they see you, they hear you, they weep for you don’t know what joy they are in. I can see the pain that is inside you, i know the pain, it is to strong to over come it is to great just to let go of, they were stolen from you, they were taken from you when you did not ask for it, you loved them so much, you’re heart can’t bare this pain anymore, it has bleed into your eyes but know that does not mean you can’t handle it anymore but that the pain you feel is to remind you of what was once there, what light was once in front of your eyes, showing you the way, showing you the love of this world, it reminds you of what once was but know that what once was is what will come again, when you go to Heavens gates you will see your love and your light once again and embrace it with open arms and peace will over come you, you will be whole once more.